no poetry, know poetry

I've finally realized that looking to the heart of my mindless self-indulgences that I needed a cure on a much deeper level than just a cure for my sins.

My heart is broken, and I've finally realized it.

I know now why these things seemed so inescapable.

They were simply the world's temporary fixes for a much deeper problem.

I wont make my words fancy to try to convey what is happening.

I am broken, and I finally know what is broken.

Behind the glass

From behind the glass I look on...
Questioning whether it is a glass or some torturous twisted mirror...
A mirror that conveys what I could be...
Conveys perhaps what I would be if I were different...
Like some mad dream of twisted reality where things are similar yet not...
These feelings I felt long ago come rushing back back like a wave...
Returning to finish what it started...
Yet different now...
You see the wave appears to be coming right for all I love...
When before the wave charted a different course crashing around me...
Yet not touching what I called mine...
Now I see the wave unsure in which way it is heading...
although I sense it coming for what I love...
Scared I wonder if I am so much less that this wave will...
Take these things...
Leaving me once again with nothing...
Why is it that I am so afraid of this wave...
For it is a wave and I am something completely different...
No matter how alike we seem it will be what it is and I will be what I am...
That which is mine will stay mine...
That which is his will be his...
I am afraid over nothing...
Once again making a mountain out of a mole hill...
When perhaps I should be realizing how much I have to grow...
To realize that these things I should let go...
And focus on the one who matters...
To stop being a greedy child...
and become a selfless servant...
As He would have me to be.

The darkness rises

I scream in discontent!

I wreath in my own thoughts

I am cleaved in twain!

How is such a tearing thing possible?

How can one be so discontented over such trivial things?

How is it that I am unable to pass by these emotions?

What power have I given these emotions that they may tear me apart the way they do?

Oh great trivial torment will you not leave me be?

Will you not depart from me so that I may function

So that I may be whole again

What is your intent in showing your great power over me?

What sensation do you derive from my anguish?

Why must I suffer through this?

What demon are you that you make me this way

That you warp my thoughts and the very core of what I am?

Oh powerful, dreadful, evil being leave me

Leave me so that I may recover

Recover from this tormenting nightmare that I never could have fathomed

Restore to me the state I once was

The being I know myself to be

Not this hideous creature I do not recognize

I need not your changes

I need not this what I have become

I need not this dark elixir you have given me

I need not any part of you!

The broken machine

The cogs do not turn as they should...
They are slowed and erroneous as if covered in tar...
Constantly turning the same twisted pattern...
As if being controlled by an outside force that wills for it to repeat...
The same short, pointless turns that appear more like...
The last twitches of a dying bird...
Here lies the broken machine.

What Change?

Perhaps it is time to grow up...
Perhaps it is time for me to move on...
Perhaps it is time for me to cut my...
Who was I kidding when I grew it out...
Perhaps it is time to hang up my 6 string for good...
Who was I kidding when I thought I could play...
Perhaps it is time to stop...
Who was I kidding when I thought I could change...
I kidded myself into thinking those things were a change...
I'm still the same...
Standing in the same spot I was long ago looking ahead and wondering why I am so far behind as I watch them get further and further away...
Still the same kid who wanted change...

The present not ready to be presented

The paper is it is wrapped in is light and saggy...
The bow is twisted, and wrinkled, and knotted...
The name tag is bland and simple and addressed to no one...
The contents are beautiful and unusual...
raw and unrefined like a uncut diamond,
still beautiful and amazing the way it is...
It is already everything it needs to be...
Just needing to be cut and refined...
Amazing in the thought of what it could be...

That is the package that is not ready to be presented.

I am....

I am selfish...
I am needy...
I am loud...
I am scared...
I am discontent...
I want something more...
Something I am not ready for...
Yet the deepest part of me cries out...
Showing me what it is that I long for...
Yet I feel unready...
I feel unable...
I feel disabled...
I know it could be great...
Yet wonder if I would let it fall to ruin...
Dear God increase!
And until then I am....

Again and again....

Once again I find myself being tossed by the same emotional tidal waves that have tossed me to and fro like a ragdoll before.

Once again I am helplessly caught up in them.

Once again unable to escape.

Once again unable to salvage.

Once again caught up in the torrent that pulls me under.

Once again fighting to keep my head above water.

once again wondering how I let it happen again......

Alone....

I hear people say they feel alone, like that there is no one there for them. I've seen people say they are alone like that no one cares for them. Yet how can one expect to not feel alone when they scream that they want to someone to be there for them, yet they won't let people be there for them? They pretend they are ok, and when you ask them, they shrug it off. They tell you things like don't bother, or don't worry about it. Forcing themselves to be "alone" trapped by some form of self-righteousness in the fact they want to suffer alone and they don't want to be anyones burden.

I won't speak for anyone else, but when I say I'm there for you, or if you need something ask, I'm not saying it out of empty words, I wouldn't waste my time or anyone else's if I didn't mean it. I'm not the type that will do the "normal" things in these situations. I care about people and I know what it is like to feel alone and not wanting to be a burden to other people. I spent a majority of my life on the outside with no friends. Until I moved to Florida in 2003 I had one real friend, and only one. So one is much more well suited to tell me what it's like to be alone. But I made friends when I moved here, real friends. I didn't want to be a burden, but then I realized they really care about me, and that they would do anything for me. So I accepted their love and their help, and they know that I will do the same for them. I love people and because of my experience in being alone I would never want anyone to suffer through that.

You say you want someone to care and want someone to be their for you? Then ask, let people be there for you. I wont speak for anyone else but I'm here for you, and I'm sorry you don't understand God and His love yet, because it's the best kind out there. But if you need a real person, I'm there, and I'm sure Kenny would probably say the same......